Turn Signals

Oh, for the love of all that is holy on the fucking roads, can we please talk about the absolute menace to society that is people who don't use their goddamn turn signals? I mean, what in the name of Henry Ford's ghost do these drivers think those little blinking lights are for? Disco parties? A fucking rave in their side mirrors?

Let me tell you, nothing gets my blood boiling faster than watching some oblivious nitwit swerve across three lanes of traffic without so much as a flicker of that magical stick next to the steering wheel. It's not a vestigial organ, folks! It has a fucking purpose! It's not there to prop up your Big Gulp or hold your vape pen, you inconsiderate bastards!

And don't even get me started on the roundabouts. Oh, the chaos, the confusion, the sheer madness of trying to navigate a circular hellscape where apparently using a turn signal is considered a sign of weakness. It's like playing Russian roulette with two-ton metal bullets! Is this Mad Max: Fury Road? Are we all supposed to just guess and pray we don't end up as hood ornaments?

I swear, some of these drivers must think turn signals are a limited resource. Are they worried they'll run out? Do they think there's a worldwide shortage of blinker fluid? News flash, Einsteins: your car came with an unlimited supply of turns! Use them, for fuck's sake! They're not rationed like toilet paper during a pandemic!

And let's not forget the special breed of driver who puts on their turn signal AFTER they've already started turning. Oh, thank you so much for that helpful information, you absolute walnut! I'm so glad you've decided to inform me of your intentions now that you're halfway through executing them. How thoughtful! Next time, why don't you just send me a postcard after you've reached your destination?

You know, I'm starting to think using a turn signal is some kind of complex quantum mechanics that only a select few can master. Maybe we should start handing out Nobel Prizes for successfully indicating a lane change. It seems to be that rare and difficult a feat for some drivers. "And the Nobel Prize in Turn Signal Physics goes to... oh wait, no one, because apparently it's too fucking hard for anyone to figure out!"

To all you non-signaling menaces out there: your car is not a mind-reading device. The rest of us cannot, in fact, telepathically discern your intentions. That little stick with the blinking lights? It's not there for decoration. It's not a vestigial organ left over from the Model T. It's a crucial piece of communication equipment! It's like turn-by-turn GPS for the people around you, you self-centered pricks!

And don't give me that bullshit about "but I know where I'm going." Congratu-fucking-lations, Captain Obvious! The turn signal isn't for you, it's for every other poor soul on the road trying to avoid becoming intimately acquainted with your rear bumper!

Oh, and to the special snowflakes who think they're too important to signal: I hate to break it to you, but you're not Jason Bourne. You're not evading assassins or international spies. You're driving to Walmart to buy cheese puffs and discount socks. Using your turn signal isn't going to blow your cover or ruin your image. It's just going to make you slightly less of an asshole.

And for the love of all that is holy, can we talk about the BMW drivers? I swear, it's like the turn signal lever falls off the moment they drive out of the dealership. Is it in the user manual? "Step 1: Acquire overpriced German engineering. Step 2: Forget everything you ever knew about road courtesy."

So please, I beg of you, for the sake of my sanity and the safety of everyone on the road, use your damn turn signals! It's not rocket science, it's not quantum physics, it's just basic courtesy and common sense. And if that's too much to ask, maybe it's time to trade in your driver's license for a bus pass. Or better yet, just stay home and let the rest of us navigate the roads without your special brand of vehicular anarchy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take some deep breaths and remind myself that road rage is not the answer. But seriously, use your fucking turn signals, people! It's not that hard! It's right there, next to your hand! Move your fingers two inches and save us all from your unpredictable bullshit! Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle, it's not like I'm asking you to solve world hunger or achieve world peace. Just. Use. Your. Goddamn. Turn. Signals!