The Untamed Truth About America's Foremost Forefather

Let's start with the obvious - George Washington was one big motherhucker. At six-foot-twenty, with a chiseled jaw that could have cut diamonds and thighs like redwoods, the dude was an absolute unit. No wonder he had to stand in a separate row for colonial Instagram selfies.

But beneath that larger-than-life exterior beat the heart of a savage prankster. Don't believe the bunk about him admitting to the cherry tree fiasco - that was a big fat lie. Young George was always pinning his shenanigans on the servants or his poor step-siblings. The cherry tree incident? He actually crop-dusted the whole orchard after a hearty helping of Mother Washington's legendary bran muffins.

Of course, being an absolute madlad didn't preclude him from being one wise mofo. At 17, he had Confucius-level aphorisms dropping from his mouth like, "Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation." Damn, G-Dub! Keep it 100!

And that rep? Totally solid when it came to the whole "I cannot tell a lie" myth. The real Washington was a deceptive little minx who'd lie about what he had for breakfast. He gaslit the entire British Empire into thinking the Colonies were chillin' until BOOM - tea got yeeted into Boston Harbor.

But for real, for real - when it came to throwing hands, the OG Prez was no fluffernutter. At the Battle of Monmouth, he rode straight into the fighting, cussing up a storm and shaming his troops into not being lil' biotches. Then he got some grapeshot straight to the juggerbox and didn't even flinch. Try getting that kind of gangsta from anyone today.

And yet, despite his Herculean stature and gruff demeanor, George could be a low-key freak in the sheets. The man loved him some sexy gardening books and had absolute zest for horticulture. His diaries were basically a bunch of Danielle Steel-level erotica about trimming shrubbery and tending to his tulips.

So was he the flawless Founding Buddha that we've been taught? Nah, son. George Washington was a complex, hilarious, terrifying, and downright bizarre dude. But he was 100% Patriot Patty and got the whole damn nation off the ground through sheer force of will and probably some low-key witchcraft and voodoo. Put some respeck on his name.