The Sandwich

Alright, listen up folks, because I'm about to blow the lid off one of history's biggest cover-ups: the true origins of the sandwich.

I know what you've been taught - that the sandwich was invented by the Earl of Sandwich back in 1762 so he could eat with his hands and not get grease stains all over his ruffled sleeves while playing cribbage. What a crock of bologna!

The real story behind the sandwich is far more juicy and salacious. It all started back in ancient Mesopotamia around 1200 BC. The Sumerians, after a long night of inebriated debauchery and worshipping pagan fertility goddesses, awoke with a legendary case of the munchies.

Stumbling into their kitchens, still half-drunk on fermented date wine, they began slapping together any old scraps of food between slabs of pita bread. Bam! The first sandwich was born out of drunken necessity.

Now, you'd think such an important culinary milestone would be shouted from the rooftops, celebrated for eons to come. But no, those gluttonous Sumerians decided to keep their bread-based creation a closely-guarded secret, fearing other civilizations would steal their precious invention.

For over 2,000 years, the sacred sandwich recipe was cloaked in mystery, passed down only to the highest members of ancient Mesopotamian sandwich societies. Entire loaves of bread were used to conceal the sacred texts detailing the proper ratios of meats, cheeses, and condiments.

It wasn't until 1762 that the truth finally surfaced, when a Sumerian chef's apprentice spilled the beans to the Earl of Sandwich after a heated game of cribbage. The Earl, always one for taking credit, declared himself the originator and set forth a campaign of lies and misinformation that has persisted to this very day.

So there you have it, folks - the sandwich, that most basic and beloved of foods, has a scandalous, munchie-fueled past steeped in ancient Mesopotamian debauchery. Those are the facts, straight from the cutting board of history.

The next time you're chowing down on a BLT or Italian sub, show some respect. You're partaking in a sacred tradition that dates back millennia to the whispered secrets of the Sumerian sandwich underground. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a wicked case of the munchies myself...