Modern Dating

Holy sht, what the hell has happened to dating? We've gone from meeting people organically to treating human connection like we're shopping for a new goddamn toaster on Amazon. It's a f**ing nightmare out there, and I'm ready to throw my phone into the sea and become a celibate monk.

Let's start with these godforsaken dating apps. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge - they might as well be called "Disappointment," "Frustration," and "Why Do I Even F***ing Bother?" It's like a meat market, but instead of prime cuts, we're all just pieces of spam trying to look like filet mignon. And the endless parade of new apps? OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Plenty of Fish - it's like a buffet of loneliness and desperation.

And the profiles! Sweet Jesus H. Christ, the profiles. If I see one more person who's "fluent in sarcasm" or "looking for the Jim to my Pam," I'm going to lose my f***ing mind. News flash, Becky: quoting The Office is not a personality trait. And for the love of all that is holy, what's with all the fish pictures? Is this a dating app or a Bass Pro Shops catalog? I half expect to see "Good at holding large fish" listed under skills on people's resumes at this point.

Let's not forget the bios that read like a laundry list of demands. "Must be over 6 feet tall, have a six-figure salary, and look like Chris Hemsworth." Well, excuse me, Your Highness, I didn't realize I was applying for the position of your arm candy. Maybe I should attach my tax returns and a DNA sample while I'm at it?

The conversations are like pulling teeth, but less enjoyable. "Hey." "What's up?" "How's your week going?" Kill me now. I've had more stimulating conversations with my fing houseplants. And God forbid you actually manage to have a decent chat - odds are they'll ghost you faster than Casper on cocaine. It's like people have forgotten how to engage in basic human interaction. Whatever happened to asking questions, showing genuine interest, or, I don't know, having a fing personality?

And the ghosting! When did it become socially acceptable to just disappear on someone? We're all adults here, for f***'s sake. Use your words. Tell me you're not interested. Hell, tell me I'm an insufferable ass - at least it's closure! But no, apparently it's easier to vanish into the ether and leave people wondering what the hell happened. It's emotional blue balls, and it's driving everyone insane.

Then there's the whole "situationship" bullsht. Are we dating? Are we friends? Are we just two lonely souls using each other for occasional companionship and mediocre sex? Who the f** knows! Heaven forbid we have an actual conversation about our feelings and expectations. No, let's just keep things ambiguous and anxiety-inducing for months on end. It's like we're all playing a game of romantic chicken, waiting to see who'll crack first and admit they have actual human emotions.

And let's talk about the pressure to always be "on." You've got to have the perfect profile pic, the wittiest bio, the most interesting life. It's f***ing exhausting! I'm sorry my life isn't a non-stop parade of exotic vacations and music festivals. Some of us have jobs and Netflix subscriptions to maintain, Karen! It's like we're all trying to be our own personal brand, curating our lives for maximum swipeability. Whatever happened to just being yourself? Oh right, that doesn't get you matches in this superficial hellscape.

The worst part is, even if you do manage to score a date, it's like navigating a f***ing minefield. Who pays? Is a hug too forward? Should I text right away or wait three days like it's 1995? It's enough to make you want to give up and become a hermit. And let's not forget the pre-date Google stalking. By the time you actually meet, you know their entire life history, their dog's name, and what they had for lunch last Tuesday. Where's the mystery? The excitement of getting to know someone? Gone, replaced by the fear that you'll accidentally like their Instagram post from 2013 while you're deep-diving into their past.

The horror stories are like a true crime podcast waiting to happen. Catfishing, stalkers, people who look nothing like their photos - I'm just trying to find someone to share my life with, not star in the next f***ing Lifetime movie! It's gotten to the point where meeting a stranger from the internet feels like an extreme sport. "Tonight on Fear Factor: Will your Tinder date be a normal person or a serial killer? Stay tuned to find out!"

Whatever happened to meeting someone at a bar, or through friends, or by accidentally running into them at a bookstore like in a rom-com? Now we're all just swiping our lives away, hoping to find a connection in a sea of bathroom selfies and gym pics. It's like we've forgotten how to interact with people in the real world. God forbid you try to strike up a conversation with someone at a coffee shop - they'll probably think you're trying to sell them something or recruit them into a cult.

And let's talk about the paradox of choice. With all these apps and endless potential matches, you'd think finding someone would be easier. But no, it's just made us all commitment-phobes, always wondering if there's someone better just one more swipe away. We're treating people like they're upgradeable smartphones. "Oh, this one's nice, but what if the next model has better features?" It's dehumanizing, and it's making us all f***ing miserable.

The new "trends" in dating are ridiculous. Breadcrumbing, cushioning, zombieing - it's like we need a whole new dictionary just to navigate this mess. Whatever happened to just, you know, dating someone? Now we're all playing these elaborate mind games, trying to seem interested but not too interested, available but not too available. It's exhausting, and it's turning us all into neurotic messes.

And the unsolicited dick pics! For the love of all that is holy, why do men think this is an acceptable form of communication? News flash, fellas: your penis is not so spectacular that the mere sight of it will drive women wild with desire. It's not a f***ing lightsaber, it's not going to make me swoon. Keep it in your pants unless explicitly asked for, which, let's be real, is probably never.

I swear, this whole modern dating scene is going to be the death of romance. We're all so busy trying to find the perfect match that we're forgetting how to actually connect with people. And when we do connect, we're too scared of missing out on the next best thing to commit. We're all turning into commitment-phobic, emotionally stunted adults who are more comfortable texting than having an actual conversation.

Mark my words, we're heading for a future where AI will be doing our dating for us, and honestly, it might be an improvement. At least the robots won't ghost us... probably. They might be better at holding a conversation too. "Hey Siri, find me a soulmate who won't break my heart or send me unsolicited pictures of their genitals." It's sad when that sounds like an improvement.

In conclusion, modern dating is a dumpster fire of epic f***ing proportions. It's a soul-crushing, anxiety-inducing, time-wasting endeavor that's turning us all into cynical, jaded shells of human beings. But hey, at least we get some good stories out of it, right?