Internet Video

Intro

Ever find yourself spiraling down a Wikipedia rabbit hole at 3 AM? Or suddenly consumed by the history of something utterly random, like the evolution of the paperclip? Yeah, us too.

Forget the silver screen. We're diving deep into the real stuff. The stories, the ideas, the obsessions that grab hold of your brain and refuse to let go. The things you just have to know more about.

So, settle in. Sharpen your curiosity. Get ready to have your mind delightfully derailed. Because we're about to explore the fascinating, the unexpected, the utterly binge-worthy corners of… well, everything else.

Welcome to… The Binge. Let's get curious.

Rant intro:

Alright, Bingers. You know we like to explore the things that grab our attention, the things we can't get enough of. But sometimes… sometimes there are things that grab us by the throat and refuse to let go… in the most infuriating way possible.

This week, "The Rant" is dedicated to the silent, insidious, and utterly soul-destroying menace that plagues our online existence. Prepare yourselves for a righteous fury directed squarely at… THE AUTOPLAYING INTERNET VIDEO!

Let the uninvited audio-visual onslaught… BEGIN!

Rant:

Alright, gather 'round, you magnificent sacks of barely contained chaos, you goddamn internet dwellers! I need to unleash a torrent of pure, unadulterated fury upon a societal ill so pervasive, so subtly insidious, that it's probably happening to your goddamn eyeballs and eardrums RIGHT. FREAKING. NOW! I am, of course, talking about the utter, soul-crushing, time-vortex-inducing horror that is… THE AUTOPLAYING VIDEO ON THE GODDAMN INTERNET!!!

ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! I open a webpage, innocently seeking information, maybe a recipe for decent guacamole, or the answer to the age-old question of whether squirrels can truly appreciate jazz (spoiler alert: probably not, the little bastards), and BAM! My goddamn eardrums are assaulted by some shrill advertisement for a product I have zero f***ing interest in! It's like the internet has decided my browsing experience isn't complete without a sudden, unsolicited auditory ambush, the sons of bitches!

And the volume, you motherf***ers! Oh, sweet mother of all that is holy, the volume! It's always set to approximately eleven, as if the advertisers believe that the louder their garbage is, the more likely I am to suddenly develop an insatiable craving for their suspiciously orange-colored beverage or their "revolutionary" toilet bowl cleaner. My neighbors probably think I've developed a sudden and intense passion for stock footage of smiling families inexplicably enjoying yogurt, the clueless twats.

Then there's the hunt, you bastards! The frantic, desperate scramble to locate the tiny, often camouflaged, mute button before my entire office/living room/public library is subjected to this sonic assault. It's like a digital scavenger hunt, except the prize isn't treasure, it's blessed, beautiful SILENCE, you hear me?! And sometimes, sometimes, there IS NO GODDAMN MUTE BUTTON! It's a cruel, digital form of torture, forcing me to either close the entire tab in a fit of pique or endure the aural equivalent of nails on a chalkboard mixed with a baby incessantly demanding attention, the little f***er!

And the content, you absolute clowns! It's never anything I actually want to see! It's always some aggressively cheerful spokesperson gesticulating wildly about a "limited-time offer" or a shaky, vertical video of some dipshit unboxing something utterly mundane. I came here to read about the migratory patterns of the lesser spotted newt, not to witness Brenda from Boise's enthusiastic unveiling of her new ergonomic spatula, for f***'s sake!

The internet, you glorious, sprawling landscape of information and cat videos, you have failed me, you goddamn enabler of auditory terrorism! You have allowed this plague of autoplaying audio-visual garbage to fester and spread like a digital fungus, the festering pile of sht! It's a blatant disregard for my personal space, my sanity, and my right to browse in f**ing peace!

So, to the perpetrators of this digital crime, I say this: STOP IT, you hear me, you digital vermin?! Just… stop it! The next time I open a webpage and am greeted by a sudden, unwanted burst of noise, I swear I will personally track down every single one of you and subject you to an endless loop of dial-up modem sounds! You have been warned, you sons of bitches! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go lie down in a dark, quiet room and try to remember what silence sounds like. It's been too long. TOO F***ING LONG!