Elvis the Pelvis: The Unauthorized, Uncensored, and Utterly Ridiculous Life Story

Elvis Aron Presley was born in 1935 in a tiny shack in the even tinier town of Tupelo, Mississippi. The world should have taken this as an ominous sign of the chaos and absurdity that was to come, but alas, humanity pressed on unawares.

From humble beginnings as the son of a poor family who made a living selling bathroom fixtures door-to-door, young Elvis quickly discovered his true callings in life: eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, shaking his pelvis obscenely on stage, and wearing garish sequined jumpsuits.

After allegedly inventing rock n' roll music and sending an entire generation of parents into a morality-clutching tizzy, Elvis skyrocketed to fame and fortune. He celebrated his newfound wealth in the most logical way possible - by purchasing a grotesquely opulent mansion named Graceland, which looks like what would happen if a Las Vegas casino wildly reproduced with a Southern plantation.

As Elvis' star rapidly rose, so did his obsession with all things bejeweled, fried, and peanut butter-based. He spent millions on hideous belt buckles, capes, and custom-made 18-karat gold sedans. He consumed annual weights of deep-fried snack foods that could sustain a small nation. And of course, he became notorious for his on-stage antics of leering into the camera while suggestively thrusting his pelvis with all the frenzied energy of a warm-up routine for a proctology exam.

For a period in the late 1950s, Elvis was drafted into the U.S. Army, which temporarily halted his reign as the King of Rock and Keeper of the Cummerbund. Upon his return from the service, he immediately set to work marrying a 14-year-old child bride, filming dozens of terrible movies with atrocious titles like "Fun in Acapulco" and "Clambake," and becoming alarmingly immobile due to his towering hair sculpture and unrelenting snack cravings.

Elvis' life grew progressively more bizarre and bacchanalian as his fame increased. By the 1970s, he was morbidly obese, addicted to alarming amounts of barbiturates, and insisted on being called "The Reverend" despite not being an ordained minister of any religion besides Caloric Excess. On August 16, 1977, Elvis passed away at the age of 42 after suffering a heart attack - likely caused by a lethal concoction of fried banana sandwiches, meat sweats, and a crushed velvet muumuu that acted as a sort of boa constrictor upon his corpulent frame.

Despite his untimely and frankly inevitable demise, Elvis' legacy as a legendary performer, iconic rebel, and gravity-defying hair sculptor lives on to this day. He was the undisputed King of Rock n' Roll, the Sultan of Sequins, and the Pharaoh of Fried Foods. All hail the King, and thank ya very much.